Control Freak

I have never considered myself a control freak, but I sit here tonight trying to hold tightly to the reins of a horse that someone else is riding...or two someones I guess.

My two oldest girls go to school tomorrow. Like real, get there early, sack lunch carrying, raise your hand if you have to go to the bathroom, not in your pajamas school. And most definitely mom is not there all the time school.

The girls are excited. The mom is not.

There are so many things with jungle life that I can't control. The weather doesn't cooperate for the plane to come in. The lady I asked to show up for a language session doesn't. My kids get malaria no matter how many precautions I take against it.  The food I ordered to feed overnight guests arrives on the flight that they leave.

But I can deal with all of those things because what really matters, my family, is always right beside me. I know where they are and what they are doing at all times. I control who they are with and what they see, eat, touch, smell, and hear. It's like there are strings attached to all five of their senses and I am the puppet master on the other end of those strings. And I like that. I like it A LOT.

Tomorrow I will lose that control for several hours and it is killing me! I know at some point they need this experience and they need me to cut those strings, but I just don't want it to be tomorrow. (Thursday is a terrible day to start school anyway, right).

The blessing that comes from all that control is the preservation of their innocence. I like that they are six and eight and they act like they are six and eight, and they only know what a six and eight year old should know.

However, I consistently hear that Still Small Voice in my ear asking me how I can trust Him with them in the jungle, but not at school. So I let go a little. My knuckles turn light pink instead of burn-your-retinas-white as I loosen the tight grip I have on these two very large pieces of my heart.

Then He reminds me that I could grip Him so tight that my knuckles go back to burn-your-retinas-white if I let go of them.

So I'm letting go of what I never really had control over anyway...I'm letting go of the imaginary to cling to what is real and true. And I know that He is holding them tighter than I ever could anyway.

Happy first day of school, Lucy and Mattie! I love you!