Stupid

I am not even sure what to say right now.
I just made a $10,000 mistake.

Mia fell yesterday and we *thought* she broke her wrist. She was screaming and crying and wouldn't let us touch it. We got on the radio and asked the doctor what to do and he said we should fly out to the clinic the next day.

I was devastated. I knew my daughter would be fine, but we were supposed to move into our house that same day (we had previously been living with our coworkers until our house was livable), and I knew that leaving would cost us $10,000...$5,000 for the helicopter to come get us and $5,000 to go back in. Plus, I was making friends and starting to learn language. We were just getting to the really fun part.

The doctor also told us to put her arm in a sling and wrap it to her body. We did that and she screamed through the whole process. She also cried through the night whenever she would roll over onto her arm.

This morning she cried when we tried to fix the parts of the wrap that came undone, so at 7:30 am we left on the helicopter and came to the clinic.

But when I took off the wrap at the doctor's office, she acted like nothing was wrong. We took some x-rays and they showed that nothing was wrong as well. The doctor said it could have been a number of things, but at this point he really had no idea and that she was completely fine.

I was devastated again. It sounds ridiculous I know, to be devastated that my two year old's arm is NOT broken, but knowing that I just put our family $10,000 in debt for nothing is something to be devastated about.

We completely drained our accounts with house building and because of a huge mistake on the part of the company we ordered our supplies from- we had to buy some of them twice and that put us into a little bit of debt already.

But that was manageable debt. We knew that in a month or two we would be fine again. Now, I have no idea when we will be fine again.

And the biggest problem I have right now is that this was one of my major fears about coming to a helicopter only location. Can I really take care of my family in this place? This place where I have to choose between letting my child suffer or sinking my family financially. I know one day in the future we will have an airstrip, and with an airstrip this would have been a $600 mistake instead of $10,000. But that will be at least a year...maybe more. Can we survive until then?
 I also know that this experience is going to make it even harder to call for the helicopter in the future. What if there is a true emergency but we wait...

I wish I was in a better place right now. I wish I was that missionary who just bounces back and trusts the Lord, and writes beautiful words of encouragement for anyone who needs it. But right now I am just not there. I am the doubter. The questioner. The crushed.

Do you hear me God?
Do you see me?
Will you meet my needs even when I mess up. Big time?
I don't understand this, God.
I feel so stupid, and alone. 
Help me, please.

And I know He will. I know His Word brings healing and comfort and truth- every answer to those questions above, so I am going to cry, and read, and breathe. Because I know that with Him sorrow may last for the night, but joy comes in the morning. Please, Lord Jesus, bring the morning.